I think it was a little more than five years ago that I scrambled to log into my WordPress account to wipe this blog clean. Years of poetry, ramblings, yearnings, and memories lived here, but I had moved on. I hadn’t been writing…. I had chalked it up to being happier (which, ouch). The time and desire to create something new just seemed to escape me, and the work of the past taunted me.
So yeah, I wiped it clean because there were just so many things I didn’t need to be reminded of. Things I was tired of rehashing. Things that, if the wrong person landed here, could lead to a lot of unwelcome questions. So many of the people who know me now don’t need to access the me from back then. The nature of the work is just too vulnerable to leave the doors open across so many months and years. Some dimensions are best kept private.
I did come back briefly once. It was early last summer, after a slip of the finger exposed my curiosity and got me blocked somewhere else. I typed up an apology and, since I couldn’t send it directly, posted it here. It’s still up. It’s the only thing up.
All of this to say, I don’t know why I’m back. I woke up from a nightmare at 4:49 this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. In that sleeplessness, my mind drifted back to that last apology post. I wondered if he ever saw it. And then I wondered if my old posts would still be tucked safely in the drafts, a graveyard of all my old hurt. I wondered if I should read them.
Well, I shouldn’t have. But I did.
I don’t imagine I’ll ever return to blogging in the same capacity I was working on it before. My world is wildly different now. But I can’t help wondering if throwing out a reminiscent post once in a while wouldn’t be good for me.
So, hello again?