My heartache and my healing began to twist and tighten into one when I inadvertently began looking for you in other people.  On one hand, what a glorious freedom it was to see that you were never the only beautiful soul around. There are countless people who share your caring heart or your calloused hands. I can breathe easier knowing that someone just as good may one day venture into my horizon. But on the other hand, this is so miserable. It’s unfair to anyone new to have to watch me scan their eyes looking for yours. To have to listen to the way that I say your name and wonder if I’ll ever say theirs so carefully or longingly. Getting to know someone like me, who is still sometimes in pieces for someone else, must be like walking one minefield after the next trying to be my armor. Maybe that is exactly what I need, but how can I allow such sacrifice when I don’t have a whole heart free to give away in return?


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