You have no idea just how critical you are in the scheme of my continued existence. You’d never guess that you’re high on the short list of reasons to keep struggling. You couldn’t ever know that I cycle back to your happiness every time I find the strength the put the bottle down. You’re unknowingly, blindly holding me to this Earth. Because of you, I have something to lose.
You’re not the only one who matters; there are dozens of others. But you are the only one who chose to stay when you could have turned your back. You are the only one who would still choose me, still save me. Your loyalty is often more pure than what trickles down from those who share my blood. Anyone could tell me that they believe in me and want the world for me, but I don’t trust their intentions. I can only catch a glimpse of my worth when you hold in out in your hands for me to see.
If I factored myself out of the equation, if I found my end-all and didn’t call you to talk me out of it, I don’t like to imagine how you’d react. Of all the people who’ve had a choice – who knew me and then chose whether or not to continue knowing me – you would be the one to feel my absence the most. You would be the one who’d beat yourself up over my lost opportunities. You would be the one who would ache over words unsaid for the rest of your days. And I just can’t do that to you.
It’s better, easier for me to suffer through than it is to give up and pass the hurt along to someone like you. Someone who has enough going on already, who would manage to create guilt where it never should exist. I will not hand off such a burden.
You’d never guess how often you’ve saved me. You couldn’t have a clue.