Naked & Wondering

When you decided to cut our romantic ties, you told me that it didn’t have to be messy. As if you thought that a dramatic exit was my intention, even though I’d said a week earlier that if we had to split, I’d bow out gracefully. Perhaps it makes you feel better to believe keeping the peace was your idea. That’s fine. I’m glad you want to be friends.

And I’m glad we’re not being harsh and cold to one another. I’m not sure I could handle that, to be honest, and perhaps you know that. Maybe you remember how it feels to be in this position. Maybe you do understand how hard it is to be angry when you’re still very much in love.

What you can’t seem to grasp is that I offered you everything I have, and you just left me wondering. I was putting it all on the line. I sacrificed my sanity to stay with you through all your dark days. I was ready to offer up every moment of my free time to talk and visit and find ways to grow together. I handed over my heart with all its scars and bruises, and trusted you not to inflict new wounds. I gave you my family and my future and every last drop of my soul. I was right in front you, surrendering everything. No weapons, no defense, no walls. You were all I ever dreamed of, and I was willing to trade everything – absolutely everything in me – to be yours.

But you walked away, leaving me here to figure out why.

I feel naked in the very worst way. Vulnerability and defenselessness don’t look good on me in such a lonely light. I turn my heart over in my hands and ask why it wasn’t enough, ask why you changed your mind. You swore it wasn’t anything I did or said, but was it something I am? Something so fundamentally me that you knew I could never compromise? I wish you’d tell me. All this wondering is eating me alive.

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