Sick of the walls I’ve built

I’m sick of being guarded. I am so fucking tired of shutting people out when I only want to be welcoming and open and inviting. I hate that I’m so hard to get to know. I hate that I get hung up on every little detail that I do share. I hate that people have to work so, so hard just to chip away a single layer of my shell because there are so many layers. I often wonder if this is truly innate and whether or not I can fight it successfully.

Guarded means I’m too careful, overly cautious, obnoxiously self-aware. It means that I lose my mind every time I try to reach out to someone. It means that I’m incredibly, maybe unhealthily, attached to the people who have fought their ways into my personal life. It means I’m nearly impossible to date because no one on earth can be expected to have that kind of patience. It means I don’t know how to express what I’m feeling, so I joke about being an emotionless robot. It means that I’m afraid people won’t like me anymore when they get past the exterior. It means that I can come across as secretive when I’m really just keeping to myself.

This is a built-in feature of my personality. It’s a part of who I am, and I don’t know how hard I can push against it before I won’t even be able to recognize myself. I’m tired of beating myself up over something that I didn’t choose. But I’m just as tired of never having enough to offer to those who want to know me. I’m tired of losing people I care about simply because I can’t convince them how much I do.

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