Something Unspoken

“Don’t you think there is always something unspoken between two people?” -Tennessee Williams.

I believe with two-thirds of my heart that this is true. That last piece is just a little too stubborn to agree that anything is out of its control. But tell me one person who you can speak to with absolutely no filter, no hesitation, no detour whatsoever between your mind and your mouth. For me, there is no one.

I’m secretive with my family. There are some things about me and things that I carry with me that they’re just better off not knowing. I don’t want to fill them with worry or concern or despair. It’s not that I create lies and lead them to believe in a life I don’t lead; it’s just that some shadows are better off darkened.

I’m careful with my friends. These are people who can walk away any time they want without any real obligation to ever look back. They are the people who I’ve chosen, who I love for any number of reasons, who stay by me because they choose to. Friendships have an array of dynamics and sometimes you can say things and sometimes you can’t. Sometimes it depends on the day and sometimes it all comes down to the person. There’s no shame in this.

I’m nervous with my loves. I don’t ever want anyone to decide that they know every little thing about me. Because what comes after that? If there’s nothing new to learn, why stay? When I am in love with you, that’s probably the most open I’ll ever be. But when I’m in love with you, it’s my duty to build you up and help you on your mission to become the best you that’s possible. If that means keeping my grumbly bullshit to myself sometimes, so be it.

I’m guarded with my peers. In a sea of people who are so similar to me, I actually ache for a spotlight. Even though I constantly hide from center stage and have never sought attention from the crowd, I thrive on the energy that I get from being unique. I have to keep some mystery about me. I can’t let everyone else in on my secrets.

I’m not even comfortable opening up to all of you, even though I run a very slim chance of ever running into any one of 99% of you. Even though you already hear more of my heartsong than anyone who sees me on a daily basis. Even though I have very little to lose with any of you. Every good story leaves its reader with a plethora of questions. Sometimes it’s a lot of whys, other times hows and whens. But even so, they are good stories. We can be satisfied without knowing it all. We can live honest lives without telling it all.


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