Not even a wave

I never thought it would actually happen the way it did. A random encounter on a random day. We didn’t say hello. We didn’t even wave. It was ducking and hiding when we should be hugging and laughing. Damn. This is not what friendship is.

Do you realize that my first instinct was a smile? Then I remembered what you last said to me and it faded in half a heartbeat. We can only be friends on certain terms, you told me. And though I began to fight it at first, I gave up. I was afraid I’d lose you if I pushed too far.

But what the hell was I thinking? It’s not like I have much of you anyway. This isn’t worth the crushing disappointment I deal with to keep you in my life. I do all I can to make things easier for you, and all I get is a panicked look in a half-second of eye contact.

I would go to world’s end for you if you asked. I don’t know why, but I would. Probably wouldn’t even stop to ask questions. But you wouldn’t do the same for me. I feel as though you might ache to help me, but in the end, you wouldn’t do it. You wouldn’t risk anything for me. Not even a wave.

Do you have any idea how much that kills me? I was having a normal, happy day out and about with a friend. I was actually content with everything. And then I saw you. I was excited for that first moment, but then it turned immediately from excitement to agony.

I halfway expected an apology tonight. I thought you might feel bad like I do and want to try to make things right. It wouldn’t be much; just a text saying hey I saw you earlier. I probably wouldn’t have had the most polite response, but no matter. There was no text.

Now it’s late and I’m upset and you’re surely alone. I could call. I could make things more awkward than they already are. I could give you a piece of what you’ve been putting me through. It’s rather tempting, to be honest. But we both know I won’t.

When it all comes down to the facts, we’re doing everything wrong. We haven’t handled anything well at all since I left. Things were still pretty twisted even before that. It sounds stupid to say it out loud, but maybe we care too much to be the kind of friends that you want us to be.

I’m not giving up. Sometimes I wish I could, but it’s simply not in the cards. However, I’m never going to go through another day like today. That’s a promise. Next time, you get the instinctual me. The bright-eyed smile as I yell your name and run up for a hug kind of me. That’s what friendship is, and we promised to stay friends.

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