I’m content, but I’m not at peace. As soon as something goes right, something else feels off. I’m confused, yet curious. I want to know, but then I’d rather not ask. I want to speak up, but I want to save face. I’m sorry, but I’m not. I feel guilty, yet I feel played. I’m doing okay… I’m a mess though.
I’m a lot of things, and I don’t really know which of them might be heading for a takeover. It’s hard to say how I’m going to feel next week, or even how things will be later on tonight. There are some that are changing, and I don’t want them to. But at the same time, some things are so static, it’s killing me. I can’t find a balance, and I need to more than ever right now.
I miss parts of summer that I never expected to miss. I crave parts of fall that I’ve never wanted before. I want to ask questions, but I’m too scared of the answers. I gave something up that I don’t really want back, but I also feel cheated. I want something in return.
I’m not happy. I guess that’s the main idea here. For the past week or two, I’ve felt like I’m being torn apart from a million directions. But the thing is that I don’t have to tear. I wouldn’t have to hurt if I’d just decide to walk one way or the other. But instead, I stand here waiting to see how many pieces I end up in. It’s not a healthy state, but I don’t know how to escape it. I’m not miserable enough to run and hide. I love it here… I just don’t know what to do right now. Things are good, but things aren’t so good. How do you tell that to the people who matter most, the ones trying so hard to keep your head above water?