I’m not sure I can do this anymore…this pretending. It’s harder than it sounds and harder than it looks, and people can see right through it. I know they can.
I collect love quotes like there is simply no tomorrow. And I read them over and over and over again to try to make myself stop pretending. But I can’t let it go.
Minutes ago, I was frozen with fear because of these quotes… Rather, one quote in particular. It was exactly what I needed to hear. But at the same time, it was exactly what I feared.
It said that if you love two people, to choose the second. It said that if you had really been in love with the first, there would not be a choice to make. In a way, it makes sense I guess, but how is that fair at all? To me…or the other people.
I can’t help it that he’s perfect. I can’t help it if he’s all I could think about today. And I can’t help it if he wasn’t first. If he had been, I’m not sure where I’d stand now.
But I do know this… I can’t keep pretending that it doesn’t matter. And I can’t keep lying to myself, keep saying that I don’t love him…because I’m pretty sure I do. Pretty really sure, actually.
So I’m done. No more pretending. The truth is out for the both of them to see. To the second, I am sorry. To the first, I am far more sorry.