But this is falling, and it’s beautiful

It’s kind of incredible, really, how quickly a person can take over almost everything about you. And no, I don’t mean a takeover in a negative or literal sense. I just mean someone who you can’t really get out of your heart and mind, someone who you’re willing and excited to plan your day around sometimes, and someone who knows everything about you. That’s what I mean by taking over.

It’s thinking about him all the time. Sure, he’s on your mind when bigger things are happening. You know, a vacation dotted with “wish you were here” messages, or a cousin’s wedding where you wish he could’ve tagged along. But even more than that, it’s thinking about him through all the little things. When you’re just doing daily chores or running errands, and you remember one of his stories and start laughing to yourself. When he’s on your mind before bed every night and you want to call him, but you aren’t even sure what you’d say. You’re just kind of hoping that you cross his mind the way he does yours.

It’s missing him more every day that you spend apart, but still having all of other feelings too. If you let it, the loneliness can erase so many of the good feelings and memories and leave you only with the capacity to miss that person. That’s not okay. You’ve gotta still have all of that background and emotion, or you’ll eventually reach a point where you aren’t even sure why you still miss him. You’ll know why you started out doing it, but you won’t be able to recall when it all started fading away or why you’re still holding onto it.

It’s the giddy feeling you still get sometimes, even though it’s been months since the first hello, the first date, the first kiss. It can be anything that brings about blushing cheeks and giggles that are slightly embarrassing, but also so very pleasant. Memories can do it, thoughts of the future can too, as well as a present-day conversation. To me, this is what “butterflies” is. I’ve never considered it a gut feeling, but more of a mindset. It’s a beautiful nervousness that you can never describe completely.

It’s when the people around you start really noticing how happy you are. Even if you were bright and positive and happy before, this is different. And let’s be real, it’s obvious. There’s some quote that I’ve seen floating around that says something along the lines of, “You can tell when you love someone, but everyone else can tell when you’re in love with someone.” It’s true. Being in a happy place in a relationship is going to brighten your personality more than you can imagine. Pretty amazing, really.

It’s learning all that you can about him, not just by asking questions, but by really listening. As any bond progresses, trust is going to strengthen and truths are going to come out. If he tells you something, pay attention. He listens when you want to talk, so be there for him too. Just don’t assume things. Everyone knows what they say about that. When you’re this involved with somebody, it’s always better to be direct and ask him to clear anything up if you don’t understand completely. It’s still early, so it’s not about knowing each other inside out, but enjoy this learning stage. It’s really pretty incredible.

It’s when you start planning the future without meaning to. And it’s not even necessarily planning exactly. But you catch yourself thinking about him and wondering where he really wants to live when he graduates. You laugh as you consider what it would be like to have his favorite meal for him when he comes home after work to your first house together. You wonder if you’ll get a dog together someday, whether it be soon-ish or sometime down the road. In the midst of it all, you wonder if it’s completely ridiculous to be thinking about any of this, but it’s not. Maybe you haven’t even said “I love you” yet, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t almost there. That doesn’t mean you can’t imagine a future with him. After all, why bother with a relationship if you can’t see it going anywhere?

So you see, it’s not a takeover in a bad way. Most of it’s actually incredibly fun, aside from the missing him part. But that’s just part of it, and maybe distance really can make you stronger; I don’t know. But I do think all of this is what happens when you really start falling. Before these feelings were everywhere all the time, you were excited, maybe infatuated. But this is falling, and it’s beautiful. Now is when you’re less worried about what you say and more concerned with showing who you are. It’s not wanting to see him, but wanting to be with him. This is perhaps the point where you’re most vulnerable, but for once, you’re okay with it.


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